The Way We Speak to Ourselves Matters More Than We Think:
By: Dayna Weaver, MSW, LSW
Understanding Self-Esteem & Positive Self-Talk
If you pause for a moment and listen closely, there’s usually a voice running quietly in the background.
It comments on your decisions. It critiques your mistakes. It compares you to others. It reminds you of what you “should” have done differently.
For many high-functioning adults, that inner voice is relentless — even if from the outside, everything looks stable.
At Bay Mental Health, we often see people who are responsible, capable, and deeply committed to their families and work. Yet internally, their self-talk is harsh, demanding, and unforgiving. Over time, that internal tone begins to shape self-esteem.
And self-esteem isn’t just confidence.
It’s the emotional posture you take toward yourself.
What Is Self-Esteem, Really?
Self-esteem isn’t arrogance. It isn’t pretending you’re perfect. It isn’t ignoring growth areas.
Healthy self-esteem is the ability to see yourself clearly — strengths and limitations — without shame defining the story.
It’s the difference between:
“I made a mistake.” and “I am a mistake.”
That shift may seem small. But it changes everything.
Where Does Negative Self-Talk Come From?
Negative self-talk doesn’t usually appear out of nowhere.
It often develops early:
From repeated criticism
From relational ruptures
From trauma
From high expectations placed on us
From environments where achievement felt tied to worth
Over time, those messages become internalized. They stop sounding like someone else’s voice and start sounding like our own.
Many adults don’t even realize how harsh their internal dialogue has become — because it feels normal.
But “normal” doesn’t mean healthy.
The Cost of Harsh Self-Talk
When self-talk is consistently critical, it affects more than mood.
It impacts:
Relationships (defensiveness, withdrawal, overcompensation)
Decision-making
Risk-taking
Emotional regulation
How we repair after conflict
We often see this show up in couples counseling as well. When someone carries deep internal shame, it becomes much harder to tolerate conflict without feeling personally attacked.
Self-esteem and relationships are deeply connected.
How you relate to yourself shapes how you relate to others.
What Positive Self-Talk Is (And What It Isn’t)
Positive self-talk isn’t toxic positivity.
It’s not forcing yourself to say affirmations you don’t believe.
It’s not pretending something painful doesn’t hurt.
Healthy self-talk sounds more like:
“That was hard. I can learn from it.” “I’m disappointed, but I’m still worthy.” “I don’t have to get this perfect to be okay.”
It’s grounded. It’s honest. It’s steady.
For many people, this kind of internal voice feels unfamiliar at first.
That’s okay.
New patterns take practice.
A Personal Reflection
I became more aware of my own inner critic during premarital counseling.
My therapist gently challenged me on how hard I was on myself. At one point, he asked me to hold a pillow and imagine it was a baby version of me — and to speak to it with kindness.
I’ll be honest. I couldn’t do it. It felt awkward and almost silly. I kept laughing.
So he shifted the exercise.
Instead, he asked me to imagine I was speaking to my daughter.
That changed everything.
When I pictured her, I knew immediately how I would respond — with patience, protection, and steady love. I would never speak to her the way I was speaking to myself.
That moment helped me see how harsh my internal dialogue had become. It also reminded me of something deeper: that worth isn’t earned through perfection. It’s inherent.
Whether someone grounds that belief in faith, family, or simple human dignity, the truth remains — we tend to offer others far more compassion than we offer ourselves.
Learning to extend that same steadiness inward has been ongoing work for me. And it’s work I now walk through with clients every day.
Small Shifts That Begin to Change Self-Esteem
At Bay Mental Health, we often encourage small, sustainable shifts — not dramatic overhauls.
Some examples:
Noticing when the inner critic shows up
Replacing “always” and “never” language
Practicing repair after mistakes instead of self-punishment
Learning to tolerate imperfection
Building internal consistency instead of chasing external validation
Self-esteem doesn’t grow from grand gestures.
It grows from repeated moments of internal repair.
Why Therapy Helps
Many high-achieving adults believe they should be able to “fix” self-esteem on their own.
But self-talk patterns are deeply relational. They were often formed in relationship — and they heal best in relationship.
Therapy provides:
A space where you are not evaluated
A consistent voice of steadiness
Gentle challenges to distorted thinking
Emotional safety to explore the roots of shame
In therapy, you begin to practice a new tone.
And over time, that tone becomes your own.
A Gentle Reflection
If you’re unsure whether self-esteem is impacting you, consider this:
How do you speak to yourself after you make a mistake?
Would you speak that way to someone you care about?
If the answer is no, that may be worth paying attention to.
You Don’t Have to Be in Crisis
One of the most common misconceptions about therapy is that you have to be in crisis to begin.
You don’t.
Many of our clients are functioning well — working, parenting, showing up. They simply want to experience less internal tension and more steadiness in how they relate to themselves.
That work is meaningful.
And it matters.
Moving Forward
Changing self-talk isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about learning to relate to yourself with the same steadiness you offer others.
And that kind of growth doesn’t require perfection — only willingness.
If you’ve been carrying a heavy internal voice, support can help you begin rewriting that conversation.
You don’t have to do it alone.